i want a house like that…
Today has been better. I even opened the up the curtains and was able to get up and run some errands.
Through all of this..I have learned…I will always be a slave to my mental illness.
How does that make me feel? at the moment, indifferent because today isn’t so bad.
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I’m only on here right now because I feel as if I might die. i don’t know how to express or explain the emotional shit I am going through at this current moment. I have everything. EVERYTHING anyone could ever hope for or dream of or imagine. I have the existing drive in me to succeed. People love me. I even have someone who would die for me besides my mother. But they aren’t mine. And the one I am with has no clue the real true pain inside of me. It’s always been like a fucking monster living inside of me. Sometimes it sleeps and I feel okay and then it wakes up again. And when it wakes up it’s hungry and it eats away my insides until I become a shell of a person again. It feeds on my emotions, my sadness, my thoughts, everything…until I am exactly like it. No one can understand. I will never understand why this always happens. I don’t even want to get better anymore. I don’t even want to be happy anymore. All I want is to disappear from this world so I won’t hurt anyone else. I could run away to Seattle or somewhere around there. And live in a small town. And restart. And have pleasant conversations but actually never mean any of them and no one would have to get hurt. Caring is too hard. and i mean about yourself or other people because it always ends up the same fucked up way. I’m not sure if it’s the same for you or if anyone really fucking will care enough to read this. But I just feel completely done with everything. I want to throw away everything because as I said, I have everything and nothing will make me happy. It makes me feel guilty as shit to be so ungrateful of the life I live…or I pretend that I am living. My boyfriends coming back from France in a couple of days. I thought about it for a second. He could come back and I wouldn’t be here anymore. But I could never do that to my mother…her finding me…her own creation. Or having her knowing because lets face it, for the rest of her life…it would never make sense to her and her life would always be worse because of it. The only person who would understand would be HER. and as in HER, i mean the only person crazy enough to put up with my stupid fucking shit…who sees everything about me and hasn’t gone away. And it’s wrong and fucked up to still drag HER along but lets face it…we are the only people who see each other completely and have never gone away. and I just want HER to get the fuck away. because SHE makes me want to die too especially her because we once shared something so pure and fucked up and crazy that its hard to make it go away. SHE fucked her drug dealer the other night. I don’t care too much but it makes me scared. SHE’S always going off the deep end…self imploding…always. Her monster is always present and accounted for and I fucking hate it. I fucking hate everything. I hate human ties. i hate caring about someone. I hate someone caring about me. It makes it all the more disappointing that I can’t get my shit together. A lot of people would kill for something or someone like that in their lives…its just it kills me. I don’t know I’m just rambling. Today and i called HER and told her she was disgusting and I fucking hate her and never want to talk or see her again. And I guess it’s true but I can’t bring myself to actually act upon it. And I guess it’s true that I want to die and I can’t bring myself to act upon that either because I’m afraid to fail and I’m afraid to go that way and hurt everyone…especially my mother. I love her the most. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it’s because a little piece gets lost — the two remaining ends couldn’t fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.
—David Levithan (via showslow)
i found myself
and it hurt
so much as
i watched it
More than 800 people have paid as much as $200,000 apiece to reserve seats on commercial flights into space, some of which are expected to launch, at long last, within a year. Space-travel agents are being trained; space suits are being designed for sex appeal as much as for utility; the founder of the Budget hotel chain is developing pods for short- and long-term stays in Earth’s orbit and beyond. Over beers one night, a former high-ranking NASA official, now employed by Sir Richard Branson of the Virgin transportation conglomerate, put it plainly: ‘We happen to be alive at the moment when humanity starts leaving the planet.’
I’m so sick of this relationship bullshit. Don’t get into serious relationships. Before you know it the person will move in with you and think they can share your socks.